Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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