Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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