Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
