does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
