Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
