The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
