How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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