he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
They are going to name an STD after you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
