I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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