dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
