So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
