FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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