Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
