areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
