census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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