I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
