Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize