I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
then he tried to convert me to islam
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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