i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
