Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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