i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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