his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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