i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
