I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
