there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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