Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
