Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
