Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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