benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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