Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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