Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
