when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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