I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
