Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
