I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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