I showed him my bush... on skype.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
