I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
