if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
