I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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