wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
