I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
