They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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