Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Randomize
