I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
