And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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