He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
