So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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