I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
