textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
