I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
