The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
