is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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