I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
