I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
