I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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