got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
