be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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