textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
